Numb. 1110 Little Dummy Ducker (or Un Good Satire Deserves A Lover)

Washington Post

Opinion: Do Tucker Carlson’s viewers take him at his word?

by Erik Wemple

“As for forcing children to wear masks outside, that should be illegal. Your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different from your response to seeing someone beat a kid in Walmart, call the police immediately,” said Carlson. “Contact child protective services. Keep calling until someone arrives.”

Let’s assume that … Carlson was joshing or engaging in a thought exercise, and we here at the Erik Wemple Blog failed to pick up on the signals. That would mean that Carlson was satirically calling on people to report parents to child protective services …

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IS TUCKER SNARLSON actively gay?

Of course, I ask that satyrically.

Although he seemingly does lean that way,

it is hard to show it, empirically.

Appearing unnatural can be deceiving.

However, it's true that seeing's believing.

FOX viewers attuned to underachieving

are prone to swallow gastric upheaving.

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Numb. 1109 GOP Age Ender: Cancel Culture

TODAY'S GOP agrees: cancel culture.

Who needs music or “art”?

Get rid of the mess that is PBS.

What matter kids get a “Head Start”?

We love ALL kids. (In theory.) 

However, in practice, 

we oppose helping poor ones

'cuz it raises taxes.

And, in addition, we've superior knowledge

of what women want and who pays for college.

We follow the Bible on same sex marriage

and who God decrees we are free to disparage.

All those against us are plotters Satanic.

We fill our heads with things inorganic:

stopped clocks, noise fresh from FOX,

and, in particular, truckloads of rocks.

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Numb. 1108 0 Beautiful Voracious Lies

ALL AMERICAN White Protestant Men

can do whatever we like.

The Constitution is only for us.

Everyone else can go take a hike.

The Founding Fathers were Men like us.

When they said “all Men are equal”

they meant exclusively White Protestant Men.

All other people are clearly illegal.

When we say White Protestant Men,

we mean only North Europeans.

Scots, Scandinavians, English, Dutch, Welsh.

Protestant Swiss, Irish, and Germans.

Yes, of course, there are Protestant French.

But they eat garlic and give off a stench.

America is the land of the free

where All Men Are Equal if they are like me.

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Numb. 1107 0 Jerusalem!

WHAT ARE the odds, 

that three major gods

would choose for headquarters

an obscure backwater?

Even one god!

Forgotten or famous?

If we don't believe them,

how can they blame us?

Preachers of Scriptures,

pre- and proscripters,

to me seem scammers and fakes.

Except, to be clear, 

the mistaken sincere,

they abuse the deluded.

They don't give, they take.

I see monotheism as brain absenteeism,

an orphan's demand for attention.

We are alone. There is no padrone.

And, in addition, allow me to mention,

Jerusalem — never anything's center —

a highly unlikely religion placenta.

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Numb. 1106 The Problem With Joe

THE GOP PROBLEM with Joseph R. Biden is he is hard to hate.

They can't call him Atilla. Or Jill a “gorilla”. She is vanilla. He is sedate.

No shred of evidence — not a scintilla —

he's lacking ability to make us feel great.

Unlike former incumbent whose lies in abundance

and malignant misjudgment sane folks found repugnant

and who, at his apogee, fell below third rate.

Dog whistling and baiting to damage and savage,

I hate contemplating what they may manage.

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Numb. 1105 Separate And Equal?

“CONSERVATIVES” native language is ire

while “Liberals” speak mostly hopey.

As an admirer of neither choir,

it's hard say which I find dopier

as they race towards dystopia.

Two houses alike in righteousness

convinced the other is wrong,

proclaiming they can enlighten us.

And if you think otherwise, you don't belong.

Identical, save in the details

of what they say they believe.

Whoever's in power, actions reveal

practical differences are misperceived.

Each to the other a fitting sequel.

Proving — again! — all men are equal.

Sing, “Hey nonny, nonny.” 

Sing,  “Hey diddle, diddle.”

It's unsafe — though amusing —

to be in the middle.

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Numb. 1104 You Will Not Replace Us

“YOU WILL NOT replace us,” 

you can hear the full-of-fear shout.

As did countless others before.

Before they were … “driven out”.

It is dead certain. There is no doubt.

There is just one way these things turn out.

© Getty Images

Neanderthal Museum, Mettmann, Germany

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Numb. 1103 Any Got Your Guns?

GUNS ARE NOT the problem.

“The Problem” is too many people.

Too many targets not the free market

second addendum to Wee, the People.

Drop population by ninety percent,

let everyone fire when ready.

While there may be one or two wounded

it won't, on the whole, be terribly deadly.

Guns are for fun. Shooting excites.

Keen, keep, and bear. — The Bill Of Rights!

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Numb. 1102 Capitol Punishment

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT is a deterrent.

Dead people can't commit crimes.

Guy Fawkes poses no threat to the Queen.

Julius and Ethel no longer spy.

Nathan Hale got what he wanted.

The rebel was given his due.

So should it be with Trump Jan. Sixers:

arrest, swift conviction, and then … adieu.

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Numb. 1101 Solutions 101

LET'S DO AWAY WITH “progressives”

like Moses and Buddha and Christ.

And don't me started on Marx and Mohammed

and other purveyors of fools' paradises.

What we want is reactionaries.

Real ones, not stuck-in-the-muds,

who will REACT to new situations

instead of prescribing hand-me-down duds.

Chances are scant our ancestors “answers”

to questions they could not conceive

can yield a good outcome though there is no doubt some

Conservative dupes will always believe.

Review the facts. Recheck your resources.

Estimate what you can do.

Prepare for the worst and, fingers crossed,

you may survive 'til the next great todo.

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Numb. 1100 Southern Christianity -101

The Guardian

Yoga can leave you injured, psychotic and a Hindu, Christian groups claim

Alabama lawmaker’s bid to overturn a 28-year yoga ban in public schools faces backlash from conservative Christian groups

PRACTICING YOGA will make you a Hindu.

Eating a bagel will turn you Jew.

One slice of pizza will make you Catholic.

One “fortune cookie” and bid Christ adieu.

Smoking tobacco makes you “Native American”,

so's you'll die from invaders' diseases.

Chipotle for dinner, et voilà you're Mexican.

We don't do no shit that displeases Jesus.

Bad, foreign stuff that causes hurt.

Natcherly then, we don't do yogurt.

Numb. 1099 Relativity

HOMER won no Nobel Prize.

He is not in the Rock Hall Of Fame.

Nevertheless, there are those who suggest

his verses scan better than some they could name.

The world of the future, they say, will know Homer.

Singing his praises, they'll honor him,

rather than rhymes long since forgotten

that may have once blown in the wind.

Numb. 1098 A Case of Emergency

THE TOMORROW you hoped for's been cancelled.

Also the day after that.

And the next and the next and the next and the next …

You get what I'm saying? You get where we're at?

You say this isn't the end of the line?

Things'll get better? It'll be fine?

You say disaster can turn on a dime 

making things peaceful and everyone kind?

You think civilization's predicted death

only an out-of-date shibboleth?

Well … if you're high on crystal meth!

Otherwise, don't hold your breath.

Numb. 1097 Trump .45

TRUMP was in '46 born.

(His certificate could not be a lie.)

And let me emphasize: not in Mombasa.

He is a Queens' Mob boss sorta guy.

Conceived in four-five — this 45th prexy.

The one who attempted a coup?

Forty-five? It is clear and evident.

Not so big a bullet and his IQ.

Numb. 1096 A Brief History Of Us

SEVERAL MILLENNIA before today,

we figured out about fire.

As the ice melted away

we spread near everywhere —

weaving and bobbing, 

potting and farming.

Fitting an axle on to a wheel.

That was, perhaps, our BIGGEST deal.

Stones. Sticks and bones. 

Eventually metal.

We used to hunt-gather. 

(And settle scores.)

After a binge

we invented hinges,

evermore leveraging

opening doors.

What did it matter?

What is the point?

Time forever is out of joint.

Tea, cakes, and ices cause diabetes.

Civilization is a disease.

Soon we may live on Mars and the moon,

yet our comings and goings remain picayune.

Not as important as we like to think.

When we go extinct, no one will blink.

Methinks 'tis the reason we take to drink.

Numb. 1095 Impersonal Pronouns

IN ENGLISH we say “the dog or cat THAT”, 

NOT “the dog or cat WHO”. 

“WHO's” we reserve for We the People,

WHO we mean when we claim all MEN are Equal.

You eat or your're eaten. Loser or winner.

It is déclassé to say, “WHO is for dinner?”

SO … all you losers, WHO we have beaten:

had you been THAT's, you'd have been eaten.

Numb. 1094 GOP Voter Suppression (Plan B)

OKAY, SO MEBBE, we cain't change the law

t' stop you-know-whos votin'.

The lyin'-est goldurn LIBRUL press

gloats when revealin' our sugar coatin'

whatever measures we try to deploy

t' kip down them folks our daddies called “Boy!”.

Therefore, we gotta discourage 'EM

from getting Covid injections.

We gotta say “Tuskegee syphilis” 

'n' question injectors actu'l intentions.

Don't need no laws, thas whut I say. 

Ain't gonna vote if they dead, anyway.

Numb. 1093 Where is the DEEP STATE when you need it most?

ON THE FATAL DAY when Donald was born,

at 10:54 on that June 14 morn

why didn't DEEP STATE use Doc Brown's DeLorean?

A wee pillow placed on the bairn's little head

would have been better than what happened instead.

And as a bonus we'd have been spared the lowness

of his foisting Junior, Ivanka, and Eric upon us.

Numb. 1092 Philosophy (Our Prosperous Phosphorus Folly)

SLASH AND BURN and then move on.

Whacha call civilization?

Use it all until everything's gone.

Waste no time on cogitation.

The Earth is our comfort station.

Numb. 1091 Who, What, When, Where, Y (And HOW!)

IS MASCULINITY toxic today? 

Has it EVER been otherwise?

If you insist, “Men can be kind.”

Could be they're gay. But … never mind.

Boys will be boys, men will be men,

raping and pillaging with a few friends.

Numb. 1090 Now It Can Be Asked

Charles O'Rear

© Microsoft

Do you remember when Windows XP

had a default desktop called “Bliss”?

Did Apple somehow engineer this?

If Redmond got spoofed, there is your proof.

Bliss = Ignorance. AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH!

Numb. 1089 Mayflies, Smilin' At Me

MAYFLIES, I believe, would pity us.

If mayflies could find the time to.

Not that they can. With their lifespan,

pity is not something mayflies incline to.

If  a mayfly thought of the fusses we make, 

living our too many years,

she would in sadness her tiny head shake,

and she would shed mayfly briny tears.

She'd say it's a crime, wasting your time

on matters so unsubstantial:

music and art, politics, nonsense.

Religion. All things financial.

Juvenile mayflies mature for a year.

Adults die in a day.

“Born” with the dawn, dead at sunset,

and yet, don't forget, they convey DNA.

Mayflies, despise inefficiency.

Mayflies never do dawdle.

Mayflies, unlike us, intelligently

do just what they are born to.

Mayflies know what LIFE is about.

They remember what we do not.

They concentrate on propagating.

Mayflies tend to “Begat” a lot.

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